A Look Back to Spring 2007

Breaking (and Deafening) News: Schilling Says He'll Pitch in 2008 Season (and continue talking the rest of his life)

Red Sox starting pitcher Curt Schilling announced that he will not retire at the end of the 2007 season as previously disclosed and plans to pitch during the 2008 season. Sox fans nationwide rejoiced at the news, but not as much as audiologists and earplug manufacturers.

While few were surprised that Schilling plans on sustained pontification, the revelation that he was able to stop orating long enough to reach a decision on his pitching career proved the most compelling aspect of the announcement.

Opposing hitters reacted with practiced indifference while several New York Yankees players stated, “Well, I'd rather have him pitch to me than talk to me; at least you know an at bat will end at some point…”

Sox management opted not to comment on the news while Schilling offered a lengthy reply to the Sox non response – much to no one's surprise.

The 40-yesr-old Schilling issued his statement on Boston radio station WEEI-AM and later confirmed the news for The Associated Press…and every major media outlet on the East Coast, recapped his version of events on his website, stopped passers-by on the street to make sure they heard the truth and plans to write a series of books on the subject in addition to producing a NESN special report on the subject.

Schilling reiterated (ceaselessly) that he will pitch for another team if the Sox do not extend his contract, but he will not pitch for the Yankees on principle. Risking charges of tampering, Schilling expressed interest in pitching for Colorado until his voice coach pointed out that the National League team is in fact named the “Rockies” and not the “Talkies.”

Yankee owner George Steinbrenner refused direct comment, but was overheard to postulate that it may be worth paying Schilling to simply stop talking instead of paying him to pitch.

Schilling told WEEI-AM he reached his decision to continue to pitch beyond the 2007 after discussions with his family. It remains unclear if the family was in fact able to get any words in during the conversation.

Audiologists and earplug manufacturers joined forces to launch a public awareness campaign to warn baseball fans and anyone with ears to be cautious if they find themselves within audible range of Schilling's verbal discourses. Outright avoidance of Schilling's utterances stands as the best defense, but audiologists advise that if audio contact cannot be avoided, then earplugs or cotton should be deployed. In emergency situations, even fingers can be jammed into the ears to block the sounds of Schilling.

The American Federation of Earplug Manufacturers announced plans for a summer discount offer. Any person clearly demonstrating a hearing related affliction attributable to Schilling vocalizations will receive free earplugs to prevent future damage in the event a sermonizing Curt is encountered again. Bulk discounts are available for New England residents.