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A Race Is A Race Be It Asses or Arms

When rival countries load up on weapons it's called an arms race. When baseball teams load up on pitchers it's also called an arms race. When teams build a new ballpark, cram in extra seats, issue standing room only tickets and stuff fans into every available nook, it seems safe to think they are fully engaged in an ass race.

It is very simple to understand:

Asses in seats = money in bank

Money in the bank = players on field.

A little discussed aspect of the Lovely Little Rivalry concerns the race to secure even more sellable space to fans seeking to take themselves out to the ballgame.

The Yankees have a new Yankee Stadium replete with a delightfully insane number of high priced luxury suites that will deposit many more millions into the bank that will ultimately fund the Yankee payroll.

The Red Sox are not getting a new ballpark. They are staying put in Fenway Park and exploring options to enhance
" America's Most Beloved Ballpark" or " America's Favorite Ballpark" or " America's New Frontrunner Headquarters"
or whatever the Hell they call it these days. Go there, and Fenway itself announces its status with a banner stretched across the side. Fenway may get the title of "America's #1 Overrated Triple A Style Ballpark" but the one thing they apparently still don't get up in Beantown is how to successfully seat their fans.

When a rival country has accumulated significantly more missiles than their chief opponent, it is said that a "Missile Gap" has developed. The Red Sox have done nothing to close their "Ass Gap" in terms of long range strategic planning for increasing ballpark based revenue.

In what has to be regarded as one of the all time shrewd business moves, the Yankees somehow save money by building a new stadium. Reinvesting in a new home excuses them from payroll taxes so they get to keep more of their own money and weaken their already feeble cousins by denying them their baseball version of public assistance. This is a good thing; how many of the luxury tax recipients actually spend their cash on players?

While the Yankees cut their baseball social security, play in their new Stadium and earn millions more it will allow the game to eventually welcome the three and four hundred million dollar Yankees. No one cares what the say up in the Flub Hub; some fans can't wait for the Half-Billion Dollar Yankees! Sleep extra secure at night knowing your grandchildren and possibly your own children will see the Billion Dollar Yankees.

They ran their chowder filled mouths up in the Frog Pond about how Yankee Stadium attendance would plummet every year removed from a championship. Well, the Yankees continued to set attendance records every year. Now that the new Stadium is open and christened with a trophy millions more will turn out to visit and spend hundreds of millions at the new shops, bars and restaurants.

Hundreds of millions of dollars equals new players, a rebuilt farm system and opportunities to brand, market and mint brand new Yankee fans for decades to come; my God, it will be beautiful!

While Yankees maximize their new Stadium, "America's Most Sorry-Ass Ballpark" will continue to crumble under the weight of its devotion to failed history. In this day and age, there is nothing wrong with an ultramodern ballpark and a great deal wrong with worshipping a past that confines you to an antiquated hovel haunted by heartbreaking memories.

If the Sox were smart they would knock that damn thing down and build a real ballpark. They won't. They are prisoners of their own mixed success. For years, they could not leave Fenway because the Old Ballpark needed to see a World Championship again in the non-prehistoric era. Now they can't leave Fenway because it still has not literally seen a Championship in the non-prehistoric era.

Fenway hasn't even seen the defining moments of modern Sox history in either 2004 or 2007. On the other hand, Fenway has been stoic enough to survive Bucky Dent, the Boston Massacre and Don Zimmer without collapsing into a green heap. I guess that's a testament of some sort to its sturdy construction.

The point of all this is that while the Yankees were busy redesigning their cash register in the Bronx, the Sox were engineering ways to stuff even more chowder heads into "America's Most Overcrowded Ballpark." The Sox are losing the Ass Race; now, in the foreseeable future, and in the long run. It will take the Sox years to figure out how to try and catch up, never mind actually catching up.

Here are excerpts reprinted from a Boston Daily Rag exposing the comical lack of creativity, impaired strategic planning, and blurred long range vision of the Feeble Empire, the ultimate "Plan B," a detailed list of what the Sox plan to do with Fenway instead of building a new ballpark. Be sure to note the delusional thinking and ongoing obsession with their favorite archrival.

Reprinted Without Permission:

Fans seeking the comforts of air conditioning, broadcast play by play, and all the comforts of home
are invited to purchase the Sit @ Home ticket plan.

This unique season ticket plan is only available from your Boston Red Sox. For only $62.50 per game (with a two seat minimum purchase) fans can enjoy the Red Sox from the comfort of their homes! The Sit @ Home Season Ticket Plan comes with two genuine original replica reproduction Fenway Park seats! These high quality durable plastic recreations are designed to fit easily into whatever room you choose to watch your Sox!

As an added bonus, subscribers will receive a special Royal Rooter Decoder Box! This decoder box brings every Red Sox home game directly into your home! Subscribers can enjoy every Red Sox road game for an additional $32.50 per game.*

*Red Sox road games at Yankee Stadium available as a Premium Service for only an additional $62.75 per game.

Fans who want the ultimate game day vendor plan can opt for the "Beer Here Plan!"
Roam the stands and shout your love of the Sox while offering fellow patrons luke warm beer at reasonable prices! Patrons purchase their own tray of beer or food for only $800 per tray and are welcome to keep any profit over and above their initial ticket plan outlay!

Do you love your Sawx? Would you like to tell everyone about it? Our new Press Box Ticket Plan is
the perfect opportunity to allow your voice to be heard!
For only $900 you can sit in the legendary Fenway Park Press Box! Patrons will be placed next to visiting reporters and commentators for the duration of a game and are encouraged to talk about their Sawx!*
*Press Box seating capacity is doubled patrons for Yankee/Red Sox games at Fenway.

The jewel in the new seating plan crown is clearly the extraordinary On Deck Circle Seating Plan.
Sit with your head inches away from Youk as he swings his lumber and loosens up before striding into the batters box! One lucky patron with the highest sealed bid will sit in the on deck circle during every home game! Patrons must file a $20,000 entry fee and deliver their final bid 48 hours prior to the first pitch! Patrons are encouraged to retrieve foul balls, hand requested items to Sox players and are responsible for policing the general area around and within the on deck circle.

Wait! There's more! Can't get a seat atop the infamous Green Monster?
Try sitting on the Green Monster! That's right, not on top of the wall; actually sit suspended on the wall! The Red Sox are pleased to announce the new Off the Wall On The Wall Plan. We have constructed 100 special combination Velcro/Bungee seats to adorn our beloved Monster from left field across to center. For $15,000 per game, patrons will be attached via Velcro backed harnesses to their designated mounting area on the wall. Since patrons are dangling in fair territory they must not come in contact with any batted or thrown balls. All mounting harnesses are equipped with pre-measured and pre-cut bungee cords allowing patrons to disengage from the wall and descend clear of the approaching ball. Patrons are encouraged to time their evasive maneuvers for maximum support of Red Sox hitters and fielders.*
* Fans on the wall are reminded they are under no obligation to dodge batted balls hit by opposing players and fans are free to descend on Yankee outfielders as necessary.

Every true Sox fan longs to feel the sacred soil and deified grass under their feet as they stroll
the hallowed ground of Fenway.
In order to satisfy the burning desire of thousands of fans, we are delighted to present the Sacred Grounds Crew Option. Stride across the infield during a game, outfitted in an authentic Fenway Park Grounds Crew ensemble. Work the field like your sainted grounds crew forefathers; till the soil of the base paths and provide the traction your heroes need to speed towards home. Enjoy the fun as you and your fellow crew members delight the crowd during rain delays as you playfully wrestle with the tarp! For only $32,000 you can join the Ground's Crew for a season long sojourn on the field.

Call today and for only $19.18 you can reserve you spot on the waiting list with our special Legacy Reservation Package. For only $20.93, you can place your name on the Hell Freezes Over Again Package and your great grandchildren will be guaranteed to have a place in the Fenway of the Future in time for the next World Series Championship!

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