 |
|
|
|
|
In terms of classic comedy, I'll take the zany antics of George Steinbrenner and Billy Martin any day over Abbott and Costello or Laurel and Hardy.
Yankee pitchers have engaged in wife and family swapping.
Billy Martin's antics alone qualify for a DVD box set of all time funniest bits: fighting a marshmallow salesman? Getting hired and fired from the same job over and over again?
The New York Daily News famous “Clueless Joe” headline…
…all classic.
|
|
|
|
|
| Nothing of note or consequence occurs in the baseball world during an otherwise unremarkable season. |
|
|
|
Yanks announce E-vil-Mail campaign to keep fans informed . All Yankee fans are invited to surrender their souls via e-mail to the Prince of Darkness and have their names added to the E-vil-Mail update list.
Regular newsletters are issued to highlight the latest free agent soul acquisitions and selfish Yankee demands as mercenary players offer up their eternal souls for earthly satisfaction in the Bronx . The PofD (Prince of Darkness) promises victories but engages in such trickery as to provide 105 regular season wins but no championships. This year's harvest is already ahead of last season with over 3,000,000 souls having been secured in the form of advance ticket sales. The P of D stated that next year promises to set new records for heartbreak with the special Hell he has planned for the Yankees and their fans in 2007. |
|
|
|
|
|
As a result of the recent title bout between A-Rod and Jason Varitek, the Red Sox are pleased to offer Varitek Vittles, a delicious 100% pure beef burger on a catcher's mitt shaped bun. I strongly suggest treating your Yankee fan friends to a delicious Varitek Vittles burger and serve it up the same way Jason treated to his mitt that infamous day. Please note that even though served on an oversized mitt shaped bun, this burger can be consumed in a single bite by an equally oversized Yankee fan mouth. |
|
|
|
Legends Field, Tampa - Sighting what he called decreased performance and a poor attitude,
Mr. Steinbrenner relieved the golf cart of its duties effective immediately. The Yankee owner
cited recent setbacks of the golf cart such as poor acceleration, lax cornering and inability
to
drive to the opposite field. He also expressed his desire to bring his spring training complex
transportation into the 22nd century by employing a jet pack to zoom around legends field. An
emotional Steinbrenner stated the jet pack is currently under wraps, but hoped to unveil it in
time
for the first exhibition game of the season. |
|
|
|
|
Winter Haven , Florida – Local police and the FAA are denying rumors that a UFO sighted over Red Sox spring training complex was actually Yankee owner George Steinbrenner in his new jet pack. The incident occurred during the bottom of the first inning as the Red Sox batted. Fans and players noticed what appeared to be a person in a jet pack lazily circling the field at approximately two hundred feet.
An anonymous Red Sox source stated that while he was open to the possibility of alien existence he doubted they wore turtlenecks and blazers. “I don't know what I saw, but it was not of this earth, nothing from this planet dresses like that!”
|
|
Fans and officials immediately speculated that Yankee owner George Steinbrenner may have been testing his newly acquired jet pack to spy on the opposition, a rumor the Yankees immediately denied.
“We don't need George to fly over the Sox to gather intelligence, we're the New York Yankees; we don't need intelligence to know what's going on!”
|
|
|
|
Yankee Stadium – The New York Yankees have filed a complaint with Major League Baseball
seeking disciplinary action against a pitching machine in their Stadium batting cages. A Yankee
spokesman stated that the machine was pitching too far inside and risked hitting a player. “We've got some very expensive talent around here and if that thing thinks it can just throw
inside like that and injure a player, it has another thing coming!” |
|
|
Umpires dismissed the Yankees request to issue a warning to the pitching machine stating that the machine did not qualify
for a warning as it was not involved in an actual game, “…and it's a machine.”
When the Yankees presented their case to league officials and submitted videotaped evidence illustrating the alleged inside pitches, league officials had a good laugh and replied, “The Yankees are a riot!”
“They are missing the point entirely,” fumed Yankee owner George Steinbrenner
“That thing can kill somebody and if they are not prepared to do something about it, I will!”
|
|
|
|
Yankee Stadium – The Yankees announced today that they have fired their batting cage pitching machine due to failure to comply with Yankee policy of simply grooving every pitch and intead, locating pitches dangerously close to batters. “We tried everything we could think of to reach it and convince it to ‘play ball' with us, but in the end we feel it simply could not be reached.”
The machine could not be reached for comment and its agent denied published reports that it is currently entertaining offers from the Red Sox and Mets.
|
|
|
|
Tampa – New York Yankee 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez continues to stress
over his involvement in the World Baseball Classic. After clarifying and
reversing
his position several times over whether to play for the USA or
Dominican teams, A-Rod cited a possible loophole to settle his dilemma. |
|
|
“It's the World Baseball Classic, right? The world is in actuality the planet Earth, right? That makes me an Earthling
and eligible to play for the Earth team, right? So if Earth has no one team, but many teams comprised of Earthlings,
I should be able to play for all the Earth's teams, right?”
A-Rod did not further elaborate on his schedule for playing and opted to wait a few games and check the standings
before finalizing his schedule. “Being a winner, I always go with the winner and at this point it is not clear who will
win so I think it best to adopt a wait and see approach.” |
|
|
|
Rumors circulated throughout the baseball world that the once mighty New York Yankees have built
and are attempting to use a time machine. Baseball sources said that apparent ripples in time have
been noticed within baseball, such as the appearance of what looks like Sox icon Johnny Damon in
pinstripes. Dark stories abound throughout the game that Steinbrenner Inc has constructed a machine
that allows them to move backwards in time and attempt to change history. The machine is secreted
deep inside Yankee Stadium beneath Monument Park |
|
It appears that the Yankee brain trust have been tinkering with the past in an attempt to undo THE GREATEST CHOKE IN SPORTS HISTORY. Unidentified Yankee sources confide that the trips have been unsuccessful thus far and during one trip that traveled a little too far back in time, Yankee scouts were only able to secure the services of a cave man resembling Johnny Damon. The caveman has since been cleaned up and positioned in centerfield. |
|
|
The long held belief that God is a Yankee fan has finally been disproved. After years of
Yankee players thanking the good Lord for making them Yankees. It would seem that
after nearly a century of divine intervention favoring pinstripes (see Morgan Freeman as
a
Yankee cap wearing Himself in Bruce Almighty). Regardless of denomination and
whatever deity Sox fans choose to worship – including none – the Almighty delivered
after nearly a century of wandering the baseball desert. |
 |
|
|
|
|
Simply slap the ball away from the hand of imagined choking victim and leave
ballpark
early to avoid unpleasantness of arch rival's victory in own house. |
|
|
|
Yankee 3rd baseman, MVP, ball slapper, and gazillionaire Alex Rodriguez has
apparently been accepting membership into a select fan club that may in fact turn
out to be stocked with salaried employees hired as professional A-Rod fans. |
 |
|
What started out as the standard fan club scenario is now completely funded by Mr. A-Rod. Potential “A-Rodders” must undergo a comprehensive screening process where they must provide work history and references. In some cases, potential members must audition for membership by viewing video clips of A-Rod and cheering and rooting appropriately.
Senior Director of Fan Management, F-Rod (pronounced “fraud”) stated that A-Rod simply seeks professional fans and not bandwagon jumping mercenaries seeking to capitalize on A-Rod's success. We can only assume that F-Rod cannot possibly be referring to A-Rod's post season success – especially since it does not exist - and only his individual accomplishments via multiple MVP awards.
Fans lucky enough to join the club receive a “Club Allowance” that unsurprisingly resembles a salary. Long time A-Rod fan Curt Shilling says that A-Rodders must be viewed as salaried employees and therefore their integrity must be questioned, adding, “They are the only fans in baseball who receive 1099's from a player!”
The amounts of Club Allowances are a closely guarded secret, but it is known that a salary type structure exists and employees – fans – receiving perks such as free tickets to games and air transportation to and from road games as well as accommodations in the nearest Motel 6.
A snack stipend is provided at each park and club members receive special debit cards good only for the purchase of A-rod
related souvenirs.
Long term fans can opt to contribute a tax deferred portion of their salary to the 401K-Rod with only a small handling fee deducted
by their benefactor.
|
|
|
|
In yet another shameless ploy to make money, the Yankees and Alex Rodriguez signed a deal with Apple computer to create the A-Pod. The digital device comes pre-loaded with all A-Rod's favorite songs, video clips of his “greatest hits” and a digital copy of every picture ever taken of A-Rod. |
|
The only potential drawback to consumers concerns the fact that none of the music, videos or images can ever be deleted and the device can only receive A-Rod's podcasts recapping the previous day's game.
When reached for comment, A-Rod was quoted as saying, “Its always been my dream to pull on those white bud earphones and play for the Apple Computer Team and now, that dream has come true.”
|
|
|
